Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!
Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.
That which does not kill you isn't finished.
Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.