A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.