A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.