Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!