Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.