Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.