Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.