I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.