I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?