I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.