I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!