Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.