To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.