To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.