To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.