To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.