To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.