To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.