They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!