They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.