I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.