I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.