I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

Competition is the death of art.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.