I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?