If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.