If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.