If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.