Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.