Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.