As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.