As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.