As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.