As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.