I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.