I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?