I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.