I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?