Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.