Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.