Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

The average permanent lasts about four months.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.