Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.