You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.