You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?