You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.