When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.