When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.