If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.