Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.