Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.