Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.