Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.