Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.