Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.