Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?