Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.