Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.