I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.