Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.