Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.