Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.