Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.