The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.