Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.