Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.