What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.