What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!