What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.