If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.