If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.