When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.