When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.