When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.