I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.