I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.