I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.