I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.