I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.