The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.