The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.