The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?