The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.