The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.