The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!