The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.