If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

The average permanent lasts about four months.