If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.