If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.