Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.