Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.