It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.