It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.