They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.