They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

Being funny is not the same as being happy.