They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.