They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.