They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.