I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.