I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.