I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.