I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.