I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.