There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.