I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.