Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!