I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.