My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.
Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.