I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!