Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.