Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.