Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.