Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.