I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.