I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Competition is the death of art.