I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.