If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.