If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.