If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.