If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.