I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

Being funny is not the same as being happy.