I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.