I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!