I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

The average permanent lasts about four months.