My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.