My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.