My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.