Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.