Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.