Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?