Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.