Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?