Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.