I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.