I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.