My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.