My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

The average permanent lasts about four months.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.