My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.