My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.