My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.