If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.