If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.