I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!