I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.