I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.