I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.