If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.