If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.