If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.