I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.