I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.