I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.