I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.