Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Competition is the death of art.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?