Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.