Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.