Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.