Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.