This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.