This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.