Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.