Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.